What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Happy?
Christians are still asking “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”
A few readers have pitched the question in my direction as an argument for why marriage is hard and why everyone should persevere in challenging times.
Now, I have compassion for evangelical and conservative Christians who believe in the “holy more than happy” practice of marriage. I was once immersed in evangelicalism and fundamentalism.
And in those spaces, “marriage is meant to make you holy, not happy” was not just a marriage teaching. It was also an idea that aligned perfectly with our concept of God.
We believed that removing happiness as a goal will give us overall godlier marriages. Read More Spouse-Centered Marriage Vs. Christ-Centered Marriage – Do We Have to Choose?
But what happened was that couples who might have otherwise made healthy adjustments were forced into a “marriage is really hard” mindset, which didn’t help them become healthier.
And even more devastating was partners in harming marriages being told that prioritizing holiness over happiness was a godlier approach their “relationship” problems.
When “holiness” is more important than happiness, you don’t have a safe place to run to, and there is no clear marker for when enough is enough.
Of author Gary Thomas asking “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”
Last week, Gary Thomas, the author of the popular books Sacred Marriage and Married Sex, posed a question on his Facebook page. He asked, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”
Gary said he was in the process of reshooting some videos of his book Sacred Marriage and wanted some feedback to help him improve the new video curriculum.
I was in the middle of giving my feedback in the comments when the post was deleted. I was hopeful that Gary might, after all, be reconsidering his approach and teaching.
However, Gary posted a video a few days later that posed the same question: “What if God designed marriage to make us holy, even more than to make us happy?”
I wasn’t planning on writing a blog post about it (I’m in the middle of the first round of edits for my book, The Newlywed Wife Guide, coming out before the end of 2024!), but the more I thought about it, the more thoughts I had!
I hear from women who have been harmed by this particular teaching. And it upsets me that Gary already has the feedback he needs to address the problematic elements of his books but he chooses not to listen.
Gary and other popular authors and pastors have been unwilling to change, so we will continue to correct and discuss healthier approaches!
Before I share my quick thoughts on the “holy more than happy” teaching, I’ll share what I wrote under that initial post (which didn’t publish because the OP was deleted.)
Again, I wasn’t planning to talk about this because Gary deleted his initial post. But he posted a video later, and I decided it was time to write my thoughts, so I have them in one place for anyone who wants to explore a higher view of marriage.
So here’s what I wrote:
“Gary, I’m glad you’re open to taking feedback as you re-film the curriculum. I’m curious if you’re open to addressing the statement (what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy) because it has proven to be problematic for so many in abusive marriages..and even regular marriages experiencing growth-related bumps: where spouses can do better but are influenced but statements such as these to settle for the bare minimum. And truly, God does want us happy. (See Gen 2:18, where companionship is a good thing.) There’s nothing wrong with happiness. Life can be hard in general, and I believe a good marriage makes life easier, not harder.” ~ Intentional Today, Ngina Otiende
Did God Design Marriage to Make Us Holy More than Happy?
Now, let’s talk about Gary’s framing of marriage as something to make us holier than happy.
I think Gary is wrong.
Let me explain.
In Gen 2:18, 20, Scripture talks about the state of the human being in the garden.
“8 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” 19 Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them, and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky, and all the wild animals. But for Adam, no suitable helper was found.” NIV (emphasis added)
For the human being in the garden, the main need was companionship. God was already present. Companionship was about meeting the human being’s needs. It was about humans, not about God.
I think evangelical and conservative Christianity could benefit from a more simplified view of marriage. A view where we see the pursuit of happiness/joy as leading to better (not worse) outcomes.
When you have happiness in your companionship as a foundational truth, you’ll likely be asking questions like, “What types of relationship dynamics lead to happiness?” “What makes a relationship good?”
And then couples might find themselves drawn to answers like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (Galatians 5:22)
And maybe they’ll then find themselves circling back to the intentions that the Creator had in mind, back in the garden. Goodness. Good companionship that embodies the Divine.
“What if God designed marriage to make us happy?” is a higher pursuit.
What if God designed marriage to make us happy?
Now, I understand that we all have different theological frameworks. And how we view God ultimately influences how we see marriage. Read More How Do Christians Feel About Referring to God as “She”? Exploring the Controversy (yes, I went there.)
However, I’m hoping we can all agree about God’s love: That He cares: He cares for our wounds, our hurts, our happiness. He is present, gentle, and kind. And He shows us the path to life.
We must keep speaking up (as we have the margin to) when problematic and harming teachings show up in our churches and spaces. Our voices might not change the teachers, but they might help those who believe the teachers are telling the truth.
What do you think?
Courage: For When You’re Tired of Bad Marriage Advice
“I love this book. It has been redemptive and healing in ways that are hard to explain. In this book, I have found a bearing witness to the raw, unbearable pain that has been experienced because of the toxicity of patriarchy – that is finely woven together with threads of liberation and love that erase shame and bring hope.” ~ Facebook Review. Read Courage.
Note: These types of posts by authors and the subsequent discussions can be triggering for many. Please remember to take care of yourself. If you choose to leave a comment, whether here or on social media, let’s make a conscious effort not to dehumanize Gary or other authors.
I so appreciate your perspective. Thank you 💗
So glad it helps.
If marriage wasn’t designed for the essential benefit and happiness of both participants, then why should we bother with it? Also, where are the men on these blogs? Is it the woman’s job to bring concerns up, and try to patch things up, when the marriage isn’t going well?
Well said 🎯 People aren’t marrying to be miserable.