Why We Should Stop Asking Single Women When They are Getting Married

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One of my biggest pet peeve as a single woman was the question;

Sooo, when are you getting married?

I heard it from colleagues, some friends and family, even strangers.

And things haven’t change since I got married.

Single women getting married

Single women still get asked the same question and it’s variations “Why are you not married yet?” What? You don’t you have a boyfriend?! What, at your age?”

Today I’d like to share some of the things I wanted to tell everyone back then and and what I think many single women want to tell those that repeatedly ask.

Why you should should stop asking me when I am getting married.

1. As a single women, I am asking myself the same question.

You are not telling me anything new.

2. I do not control the other part aka Mr Boyfriend.

I can’t make another human being commit to marriage.

Ps. maybe we should start pestering the guys, no?

3. I know all about the biological clock because I hear it ticking.

But I also understand God gave me the “clock” and He’s well able to keep it ticking till He brings the man and the children.

Children need a father. I am not racing to beat a silly clock.

*silly, when you look at it from the big scheme of things. Also, who told you I want children? I like to keep first things first, so I’m not thinking that far into the future yet!

4. I don’t have a sell-by date.

Trying to hook me up with shady characters and sly fellows does not communicate your concern or love.

It has the opposite effect; makes makes me feel like I have an expiry date. And the date has come and gone.

As a Christ-centered woman, I understand my worth and I am rooted in Christ.

But I am also flesh and blood and have desires and longings.

You parading and flashing these guys isn’t helping me at all.

5. I don’t need to be reminded.

I attend weddings, organize bridal showers and baby showers.

I have scars from a broken heart.

I stay up late with God talking (and crying) about it.

I don’t need to be reminded about what I am “missing”.

Mostly I need a salve, some laughter..a little encouragement that being single is okay.

6. Just because I am of marriageable age does not mean I have to have a boyfriend.

Look, husbands come from God. Husbands need to be marriage-ready. You don’t pick them up off the streets and take them home.

I want a boyfriend who will hopefully and as God leads become my husband.

In the meanwhile I don’t intend to whirl away time with some random guy.

Too precious, too loved for that. Give me Jesus. And a steaming cup of tea.

7. I love my life as a single woman.

Shocking eh. I  have pillow hugging days and times I hang off my bathroom walls with an unending ache in the pit of my gut. Or heart, I can’t tell.

But it’s not everyday. Most days I am enjoying the freedom, the bliss that comes with singlehood.

I enjoy the ability to chase hard after God without thinking about “family obligations”. I see how married women juggle everything; babies, husband, home, ministry, work et cetera.

I am like “Phew, thank you Jesus!”

I know someday it will be my turn but for now, I am enjoying my life to the max.

8. Maybe it’s not obvious to you, but marriage is not the entire reason for living.

Ps. I know many people mean well and they are not trying to make me feel bad. But well meaning words don’t always feel..good. So just being honest here.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

Question: What can you add? If you are single what questions do you enjoy not hearing? As a married how can we better encourage the singles in our lives?


  1. When I started asking people who’d pester me for a husband, “what is working for you in your own marriage?”, lets just say the pestering sort of dropped drastically lol. I know, a little mean but a few to many drove me up a few walls. Every milestone I get always has a marriage tag on it. Eg, I recently graduated at uni, and there was a few, “Congratulations! So now you are getting married next?”. Or “Happy birthday! Will we have a husband by your next birthday?”. To, after maybe some personal news update, “Wow, so proud of you. Now just the small matter of a husband”… When singles meetings at church or church forum became too centered on spouse-finding mission, i ditched those too. Been eons since I have been in one. Funny, thing, I started having peace about it, and about God’s timing.

    1. Oh my goodness..I am so sorry! That’s incredibly heartbreaking and a.n.n.o.y.i.n.g. Completely understand your choice words!“singles meetings at church or church forum became too centered on spouse-finding mission” Isn’t that another whole blog post! I’m glad you have God’s peace. That’s ALL that matters.

  2. grace cherotich says:

    Ooooh Yes,tell them!!…thats pure honesty right there..Awesome piece

  3. Ange F. Layne says:

    Great post; I just shared on my FB. I have to say I have been guilty of asking these types of questions in the past, but have reformed my ways. I know how it feels to be asked personal questions that invade my personal space (I am married nearly 10 years without children), so I do not like to inflict that same invasion on others.

    1. Thanks for reading and sharing on FB Ange. It really does bring perspective, when we have walked in the other persons shows, albeit in a different area, right. Glad this spoke to you.

  4. Great post!! I’ve been in a relationship for 5 yrs now & there are times when I wish I wasn’t seeing anyone at all so people would leave me alone. At least when there was no significant other to bring up I could just smile & saying “I’m enjoying this season” would suffice. Now, the follow up questions of “Why hasn’t he proposed?” “Do you NOT WANT to be married?” are even more annoying. Even the assumption that every Christian’s destiny will lead down the isle is rude lol.

    1. Lol, I hear you Kira! it’s funny but it seems it doesn’t matter, whether you have someone special, are engaged, married – there’s always a new set of questions! I am sharing something on Facebook later on today, on this very area 🙂 Thanks for reading and sharing your experience.

  5. Paula Kent says:

    Pretty cool. I heard this poet talk about the same issue but in a funny way and thought of sharing the link

    1. wow, just laughed my way through it, Paula. It’s funny. Wise woman and words. Thanks for sharing the link

      1. Paula Kent says:

        Hehe..most welcome.

  6. dont keep asking me what i did to that young man i was with? have you ever thought it was probably something he did or didnt do to me that led to his departure????

  7. Good points. I’m not single because I couldn’t get married just to someone. That one is not hard nor is is it very smart. People marry for different reasons, some for example because they fear to live alone, or just got involved with someone and maybe had a kid with them and then tied the knot. It’s funny to me that then these are rated socially somehow above waiting for the right person, fighting to keep some kind good/loyal of morals etc. Life doesn’t always play along with our dreams and expectations, people die, cheat, are not ready to commit etc. Especially in church these things are simplified and mystified too much. Courageous move to raise a conversation about these!

    1. Pearl, you raise some great points that we often miss. It’s not hard to marry “anyone”. The right one? It’s harder. Like all great and blessed things of life, it’s not the easier path but it’s the best one.

  8. So i sent this link to two of my single friends and they really appreciated being understood. It got to a point for me before i got hitched that i concentrated on work, ministry and school. That part where you talk about the biological clock ticking is on point- He knows the time and seasons. Not unless it was God’s will for you never to get pregnant nobody should harp in your ear about the clock ticking. God owns the clock i always say. i find that the society is more forgiving or accepting of women who have
    children out of wedlock (born again or otherwise) to those who prefer
    to wait to get married then get pregnant. You should do one for newly weds and early marrieds who are constantly being pressured about getting pregnant. I’ve always wondered what my uterus has to do with anyone else other than myself n hubby. Thanks Ngina

    1. Mauryn, your last line made me laugh 🙂 I did a post on that some two weeks ago, “things not to say to couples without kids”, here’s the link: https://intentionaltoday.com/5-things-not-to-say-to-couples-without-kids/ . I agree with you, about how some part of society looks women without kids, Christian or not. It’s a warped way of thinking! Kids need both parents and i just don’t get why children are put up there before marriage. Thanks for sharing and adding to the discussion.

  9. Lincoln Parks says:

    I remember when I was single over 20 years ago I would just not want anyone to ask me who was my girlfriend at the time it truly bothered me. And now being married I just encourage single’s to stay Biblically sound with every decision they make.

    1. Amen Lincoln. I also believe that a solid focus on God is key, He’s the one that does the joining -up anyway and it makes sense to pursue Him first. “Seek ye the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you”

  10. Andrew Budek-Schmeisser says:

    As a man, I was often asked why I wasn’t married, or didn’t have a girlfriend. And yes, there was often the follow-on question…”Are you gay?”

    The fact was, I was busy. I had a life in which I was involved as a professional and as a Christian, and I didn’t feel that ‘shopping’ for a spouse was respectful. I was open to chance meetings and dates arranged by friends, but I certainly couldn’t put my life on hold while I “found me a wife”.

    Eventually, I did find one – through the internet, a Catholic Singles website. It allowed us to get to know one another without the complication of physicality (we lived 1000 miles apart).


    1. Andrew, this is so insightful. I like what you’ve said about “not shopping for a spouse”. I agree cos as a single person I met guys who were on “shopping mode” and it wasn’t pretty lol. Thank you for sharing.

  11. I grew up in a large family and my parents often had singles who didn’t have family nearby over for dinner or holidays and they never asked them why they weren’t married. We just felt like they were part of the family.

    1. Amen, such a great way to encourage a single person. Some married couples took me into their inner circle when i was single and their care and encouragement was such a blessing to me.

  12. Lawrence Namale says:

    My God! You have made me laugh so hard and at the same time stop and reflect. You wouldn’t believe it but Tommy will tell you that one day my parents got me a lady to marry! I have never run so fast as to post a personal best. It was a world class awkward moment. But am sure as you said, they meant well. Great post my friend.

    1. Haha, that is so hilarious Lance! Talk about epic a.w.k.w.a.r.d!!! O goodness. I can’t remember Tommy mentioning it..oh that will make for some good tale-telling today! Glad you got you so super fast legs!

  13. How can a beautiful lady like you not be married?
    and they give you reasons for your not being married. Maybe you are too emotional and you are also tough on guys……
    Keep on praying to God…like i havent prayed enough.
    Come out of hiding, attend singles events like i am merchandise on sale and so i need to be displayed.

    1. Wow, wow…. Lyn, just reading through your questions and what most ladies hear is “you are the problem, if you could do this and that, you would be married!” I think it’s hard for most people to understand “timings”..and that singles are not in control of everything. God is. Thanks for sharing these. Many people mean well, but still it hurts to hear these things. Thanks for your honesty.

      1. Thank you Ngina..am 33..believe you me..i have had my share of these questions….
        then when you are nice to the guys- you are too nice and needy and desperate…then when you shun them you are proud….then when you are honest…no you are nagging..goodness me….today the inthing is you should have a child…these things tear at us and we are supposed to stay sane……

        1. A lot of my friends are telling me about kids, it seems to be the # 1 thing nowadays. We can’t always satisfy man but thank God, He is alright and happy with us 🙂 Thanks for sharing your heart.

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