Dealing With a Chronically Irresponsible Spouse (Clarity for Wives)
What do you do when your spouse is chronically irresponsible?
The message from evangelical Christianity is to keep trying.
In the past few years, I have read and listened to countless stories from Christian women who are married to chronically irresponsible spouses.*
A common theme in their stories is the pressure from pastors, biblical counselors, marriage books, and sermons (and friends and family) to keep sacrificing as the solution for their broken relationship.
From advice such as “You are a sinner too,” “Love means patience and forgiveness,” and “This is your cross to carry,” spouses were instructed to self-abandon.
Forsaking or minimizing their own sense of mattering (while magnifying their spouse’s importance) was proposed as the way to heal the broken relationship and stay faithful to God.
The life-impacting hurts by their spouse – remorseless lies, coverups, betrayals, manipulation, disrespect, abandonment, addictions, dishonor – the answer to these marriage-breaking patterns was.give.more.
And, of course, evangelical teachings big on “going the extra mile for your marriage” did not acknowledge that corrosive relationships and systems hurt all the miles. They don’t hurt one time. They hurt all the time.
Even the lulls—when he appears less agitated or more engaged, or “finally getting it”—come with a ball of dread: A foreboding for when the bottom falls out again.
There are no breaks in coercing systems.
I was talking to a friend the other day about our time at an evangelical missionary church in Kenya. We spent over a decade attending and serving as small-group leaders.
The church was (still is) a high-demand and high-control type of environment: Depleting yourself is how the vision of “winning souls and making disciples” gets executed. Read More When Pastors Exploit in the Name of Christ
We were so accustomed to working that it was difficult to rest. I had a regular job but also volunteered many evenings and weekends for church work. On the (few) evenings when I wasn’t doing some type of church work, I felt guilty. Like I was failing God.
Instead of rest I’d make something up, like “prayer walking” through my neighborhood or visiting a church member. The weight of multiplication and growth was on our shoulders as small group leaders. To focus on oneself, even for important essentials like rest or recreation or self-improvement, was laziness and unfaithfulness to God’s call on our lives.
(Strange enough, the top leadership, i.e., the missionary couple, didn’t seem as stressed out. They most definitely stressed everyone out, especially paid church staff. But in comparison, their personal load was lighter than the one they put on everyone else. Like many coercive systems, they had perfected the art of making others responsible to them: we the nationals were responsible for their “vision” of “evangelizing” Africa.)
Manipulative, exploitative, and controlling systems don’t offer breaks. Even when you’re not in an active rough rotation, you don’t catch a breath because your whole system is primed for the next disaster/task/slogging.
When this “plantation” energy attaches to God’s goodness, approval, and belonging, the damage to the soul and body is deep and profound. Read More Can We Talk About the Idolization of Christian Missionaries?
The Chronically Irresponsible Spouse: God does not require human sacrifice
I want women to know that a good God doesn’t expect human sacrifice.
Your spouse might have that expectation, and your church community might, but you need to know God doesn’t. Read More No, God Doesn’t Say We Sacrifice Ourselves For Harmful Spouses
If you’re married to someone who refuses to take responsibility for something they should, then you, as the person feeling the effects of chronic irresponsibility, own the next move.
You don’t have to wait for that never-coming conversation in which they admit (once and for all) that something needs to change, and they actually change and produce lasting fruit.
You can process and make decisions with the current information you have now. Because you’ve been living all the miles, and it’s your turn, not theirs, to vote for what you want for yourself. Read More When a Spouse Won’t Address Harmful Character Issues (Clarity For Wives)
The Chronically Irresponsible Spouse: You’re not indestructible
Contrary to what evangelical fundamentalism teaches, the human body and soul are not indestructible. The Creator did not create human beings with the capacity to endure endless suffering and emerge unscathed.
Our environment shapes and rearranges things, both internally and externally. Being in an environment where you’re constantly unsafe, where your dignity and humanness are dismissed, where boundaries and limits don’t exist – it all does something to you.
Evangelical fundamentalism says you can take it, that God mandates you do. But it’s a lie. Your body and inner world flow and ebb according to your environment. You’re not indestructible. Read More How To Be a Good Wife To Bad Husband (Clarity For Wives)
And no, your humanness is not a design flaw. We are the way we are by design. Our sensitivities and capacities help us map and provide safety and nourishment for ourselves. Our bodies and minds are designed to detect danger or other types of injuries or stressors: that’s how we can galvanize ourselves to protective, nourishing actions.
If we can’t give ourselves what we need (for instance, a child who is in an abusive home or a sickness invading the body or a partner who can’t leave an abusive relationship yet), we develop mechanisms to help us survive those conditions.
But that’s all we’re doing: surviving. Not thriving. We are not meant to stay in survival mode for the rest of our lives.
If you’re in a chronically hurting marriage (where life-impacting hurt takes place and a spouse is unwilling to take responsibility, repair, and produce lasting fruit), this is a reminder that God gave you agency and autonomy over your life.
You get to choose. Those who claim to speak on God’s behalf, yet their words and actions look nothing like safety, dignity, hope, healing, and flourishing, are not truth-tellers. God, revealed in the person of Christ, neither approves nor oversees the destruction of His people.
You are more important to God than your marriage.
In healthy relationships and communities, we can share ourselves because it’s reciprocal. It’s neither one-sided nor forever draining. There’s respect, honor, and a shared sense of belonging. We can relax, relationally.
In unhealthy and chronically hurting systems, we must be wiser in how we move and who we trust. Just because someone claims to represent God or carries the label of a pastor or even a Christian doesn’t mean they get automatic access.
You are the leader of your life. Really, you are. Other people might think they are, but think about it. They don’t live inside your brain. It might feel like they do. But your mind is yours. That means you can kick them out.
Yes. All their influence, manipulations, and words: you can take your mind back. Your brain is yours. As is your body. And your spirit. God gave each of us our own stuff, and we are not to take and occupy other people’s stuff as if it were our own.
(If we do, that’s why this post exists, to tell the owner that the occupation is wrong and they have the right to kick out the squatters.)
You alone get to decide what to do with the information before you. Your decision-making path includes aligning yourself with the truth (accepting the truth of your marriage), so you know what you can and cannot expect from your spouse and relationship, based on history.
The Chronically Irresponsible Spouse: Own Your Story
When a spouse is chronically irresponsible, the message from evangelicalism is to keep giving.
I’m here to tell you that you can give yourself the gift of belief. Believe the story you have already lived. No interpreter or some random (or not-so-random) person needed to tell you the truth you already know.
“The truth is, only you can put words to your story. Only I can put words to mine. No one else knows our stories. No one else has the authority or expertise or right to weigh in and label and identify what happened as we do. And we owe it to ourselves to tell the truth to ourselves straight.” ~ Stephanie Gail Eagleson
My goal with this post isn’t to tell you what your next steps should look like. My goal is for you to know a next step exists. In a world that loves Christian systems more than the Christian, I want to offer a loud “you matter.” You matter. And you have a voice.
If you’d like to explore further, please check out “Righteous or Rotten?” workshop with Sarah McDugal: Go from cognitive dissonance to crystal clarity…without all the crippling self-doubt. Get the 9-step roadmap here. (aff.)
If you’re alone and stressed because of all the arguments from the people around you, I wrote a book to help you process the truth of your life. It’s titled Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul and you can get it on AMAZON I PDF
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*(emails, social media comments, real life)
*Your next step might look finding a licensed abuse and trauma-informed therapist. If you’re in danger, call an emergency hotline in your country. Canada: 800.799.SAFE (7233). United States: 1-800-621-HOPE (4673). United Kingdom: 08 08 16 89 111. Australia: 1800 015 188. New Zealand: 0800 456 450. Kenya: 0-800-720-072. Nigeria: 0800 033 3333. South Africa: 0800 428 428. United States: Suicide and Crisis Lifeline 988