Married and Miserable – It Was Not The Christian Dream

Most people don’t aspire to have an unhappy Christian marriage. People don’t get married to be miserable.

No one gets married thinking,

But the way evangelical and conservative spaces teach about marriage, you’d think that was the deal.

Listening to some of our “Christian” sermons, you’d think the essence of a marriage is one person becoming “big” – big enough to “cover” the shortcomings and immaturity of another – and the other mostly staying exactly as they are.

But here’s the thing: Nobody’s signing up for that. Most people want love, commitment, companionship, stability, cooperation, children, etc. They want the good things (or what they consider good).

A Christ-centered view affirms that. It bears out that the slogging, suffering, and oppression present in a one-sided, power-over dynamic are not what we were designed for (Luke 4:18, 19). We are meant to thrive. 

So when a spouse feels entitled to remain the same (no self-reflection, no growth, no lasting results) but expects their partner to change and make massive accommodations for them, the marriage becomes one functioning on the wants, whims, narrative, entitlements, and “permissions” of one person, and that’s not healthy or something the spouse should settle for. 

Unhappy Christian Marriage: Our Beliefs 

Now, our own beliefs about marriage (shaped by the spiritual spaces we are a part of or not) won’t always be evident to us. Sometimes, we do get married with yet-to-be-discovered beliefs about marriage.

We think what we want is healthy, but then it turns out not to be so healthy. We might think a good marriage is where you take care of your man and your home, but then discover you also need to be taken care of and supported in your home. 

You thought just doing your part would be sort of enough and make you happy, but you discover reciprocity is what you actually want and need. Read More What Does It Mean To Be Intentional In Your Marriage? (Clarity For Wives)

Your internal wiring and presuppositions, unexplored, eventually reveal themselves. (In fact, at any given time, you can reverse engineer your behavior to discover what you actually believe about something)

Unhappy Christian Marriage: Transforming Possibilities 

So, where am I going with this? What to do in an unhappy marriage as a Christian?

Suppose you got married for something higher (commitment, companionship, stability, etc) but are saddled with something lower (integrity issues, neglect, unpredictability) and find yourself struggling. In that case, the invitation would be to stop and explore the belief space, not the behavior space. 

An exploratory question might be, “What do I believe about commitment? Companionship? Stability?” Not “How do I fix his integrity issues, neglect, and unpredictability so I can have the marriage I want?”

You explore your beliefs around these areas, not because the experiences and interactions with your spouse don’t matter but because what you believe about what is happening matters more.

Your own beliefs shape how you show up in your own life and the marriage and clarify what you can expect out of your relationship.

You turn inward to discover the truth, which can lead to clarity about the truth of your circumstances. When you understand and accept the truth, you’re better resourced to take steps (if that’s something you want that are aligned with truth. And that’s the path to thriving.

(Often, a deeper exploration of our inner world and our beliefs needs the support of a skilled coach. I am currently not accepting new coaching clients. If your marriage is chronically painful and hurting, and you’d like skilled support, please check out Coach Sarah McDugal’s Clarity Coaching. (Affiliate link.) 

To Wrap Up:

Contrary to some Christian teachings, the heart of marriage is not one person becoming “big” – big enough to “cover” the shortcomings and immaturity of another – and the other mostly staying exactly as they are.

The essence of marriage is both individuals 1) owning their side of the relationship and 2) being responsible for how they show up in the relationship.

People who get married are not trying to make themselves miserable or their lives worse. They are not signing along the dotted line to give over their soul, bodies, and minds to suffering. 

And it’s important to remember that when attempting to speak into or work through relationship dynamics and problems. Like, what was the intent? What’s the standard? Then, use that as a baseline to move forward. 

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