“But Why Doesn’t She Just Leave Him?” 40 Reasons Women Stay in Destructive Marriages

“But why doesn’t she just leave him?” People will ask when they can’t wrap their heads around why an individual hasn’t left a toxic or highly problematic marriage.

Once upon a time, I was Camp WhyDoesn’tSheJustLeaveHim.

Like most, I assumed leaving a destructive marriage was as easy deciding what to eat for dinner. Well, maybe not that easy but looking back, I was closer to that headspace.

I also thought exiting a toxic relationship would end the abuse, unrepentant infidelity, harmful addictions, abandonment, or other harmful behaviors.

I was wrong.

And today, we’re going to pull back the curtains and look at forty reasons why she doesn’t leave him.

Edited To Add: Someone rightly pointed out that there are more than forty reasons why a woman might stay in an abusive marriage. I completely agree, and I’m sorry for not being clear earlier. This blog post does not cover all possible reasons. Instead, it offers views from a select group of women.

It all started on Facebook when I shared a list of reasons why leaving a highly problematic marriage isn’t as straightforward as most people think. 

I wanted to shine some light on the complexities of leaving an unsafe person so we can stop asking this question to the wounded women in our lives. 

I asked our Intentional Today Facebook community to chime in and many women added their thoughts. Today’s thoughts are a combination of our views.

I’m hoping we can create an educative thread (in the Comments as well) to educate the general population that doesn’t know why the question “but why doesn’t she just leave him?” is harmful.

So make sure to share this post with friends and family so we spread the word.

But What About Abuse Against Men?

Whenever we talk about abuse perpetrated against women, there’s always that question “But what about the men?”

I’ve talked about it elsewhere but let’s briefly touch on it. Just because I’m focusing on women in this post does not mean men are not being abused or on the receiving end of “Why don’t you just leave her?” 

I’m focusing on women because, statistically, women are more prone to abuse than men. And in the Christian world, where toxic patriarchy is still raging, women are often seen as relationship caretakers. They are often made to feel responsible for fixing a relationship. And so, I feel strongly about voicing the needs of women.

I know that women can also be the initiators of violence in relationships. But it is less severe than men’s violence against women. The injury rate for women is 6 times higher than for men. Source

According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, women are killed by intimate partners at twice the rate of men.

Again, this post is not overlooking the violence perpetrated by women against men. Instead, it’s focused on women because they are more prone to being abused, abuse repercussions are more dire, and generally, they find it harder to obtain help when they need it.

Let’s dive in.

“Why Doesn’t She Just Leave Him?” 40 Reasons Why 

*Italics are direct comments from Facebook commenters, edited for clarity. 

1. She was taught to “fight” for her marriage.

Due to the elevation of marriage above individual welfare, people of faith are more likely to fight for their marriages longer than is safe.

2. She believes her problems are typical.

Nothing that can’t be dealt with through prayer and devotion. Read More Does He Know He’s Hurting Me? (Clarity for Wives)

3. She sees herself as a contributor to the problems.

And she’s hoping her spouse will improve as she improves.

4. She’s overwhelmed.

“During a traumatic event, (some) parts of our brain go offline or get highly reactive. But also, after repeated trauma (even after we’ve left an abusive marriage) they aren’t functioning properly. The thinking part of our brain is underactive. This leads to difficulty with problem solving, concentration, memory, organization, decision making, motivation, and emotional regulation.” Source.

5. She believes God hates divorce.

She doesn’t know God hates the abuse and mistreatment of His children. Read More Does God Hate Divorce?

6. Her spouse has promised to complicate her life if she leaves.

7. She’s heard, “marriage is hard, divorce is hard, choose your hard.”

She’s chosen her hard.

8. Her church doesn’t allow divorce other than for infidelity.

And even then, they would have to try and reconcile first. Read More God and Divorce – A Brief Exploration of Malachi 2:16 and Matthew 19:9

9. Her spiritual sounding board, her church, is silent.

Her denomination or local church is silent on abuse and consequences of unrepentant harmful sin in marriage. She’s in the dark and doesn’t know if she’s being abused.

10. She’s dependent on her husband for documentation as an immigrant.

“Immigrant and non-immigrant communities experience domestic violence at similar rates, but individuals without citizenship status or other forms of documentation may face heightened risks as a result of factors like language, social isolation, lack of information or financial resources, cultural beliefs, or fear of deportation. Immigrant survivors often choose not to report incidents of abuse out of fear of immigration consequences; immigration status may interfere with their ability to access support services as well.” Source.

11. He’s never hit her.

She believes abuse is only physical. (Click here for thirteen patterns of abusive behavior to help you identify the different types of abuse, pierce the fog, and find clarity.)

12. He’s “a man of God,” and she doesn’t want to “ruin” his ministry.

“Many predators are drawn to the career of clergy” Source.

“It was really empowering and healing when people in the church stood up for me, told me his behavior wasn’t normal, or that they were there if I ever needed to get away. Initially, I didn’t respond well in those, but I held them tightly to my heart. Through the eyes of others, I began to realize I wasn’t crazy. So…if you see that dynamic, say something to her. It might be awkward, but it will also be a beacon of light in very, very dark times.” 

13. She loves him.

“He lied to her about who he really was when they met, and convinced her he was a great guy, and she built a life based on that. She still loves the guy she thought she married.” 

14. She stays because it’s risky to leave.

“Around 77% of women killed by an (ex) partner are murdered around the time of leaving the relationship. Abuse is all about control, and perpetrators can become incredibly dangerous if they feel they are losing control! There is also a 75% increase in violence in general for the two years after separating.” Source.

15. She’s ill

“Trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust.” The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (affiliate link)

“I truly never really thought of all my chronic conditions over the past twenty years of my marriage. Migraines, auto immune disease, chronic fatigue, a brain tumor, a breast nodule, pre- mature contractions, heart arrhythmia, fibroids with severe cycles. ” 

16. She believes her husband needs her help to get better.

“She believes if she leaves her husband will spiral even more out of control. He needs her there to keep him from engaging in even worse toxic behavior. Also, if she leaves, she will have to let the kids spend more time with him and his toxic behaviors.”

17. She believes her husband’s version of “truth.”

“She believes it when her husband says their marriage would be great if she stopped being selfish and took up her cross and died to herself (or any other Scripture taken grossly out of context.)”

18. She believes “marriage is supposed to make you holy, not happy.” 

And so, she stays because she considers her abusive marriage “sanctifying.” Read More 31 Lies Women Are Taught About Marriage 

“I received this “rebuke” from multiple women I considered friends. So, I was refusing to lay down my life for Christ and rebelling as my “sisters” warned me against my sin.”

19. The husband is making small improvements, and she believes he’ll change.

“A common pattern of domestic abuse, especially this between intimate partners, is that the perpetrator alternates between violent, abusive and apologetic behavior with apparently heartfelt promises to change and that the abuser could very pleasant most of the time.” Source.

“He was a little less mean to me today than yesterday.”

“He makes small improvements and she believes things will get better. She believes she can earn his love over time by being faithful and he’d appreciate her and improve. She feels good about her “martyrdom” in an unhealthy marriage and she’s certain God would answer her prayers if she persevered.”

20. She’s been in an abusive marriage before.

“If you’ve been in more than one abusive marriage, you struggle with leaving because you don’t even know how to explain making the same mistake three times. She just doesn’t know. Maybe she had no example and grew up in church with patriarchal and misogynistic postures.”

21. She stays because navigating family court and the legal system is challenging.

“Because family court is so broken, she’ll put her children in more danger if she leaves. She’s very aware of how the legal system currently works and sees dangers of abuse for her children during visitations… sometimes dangers that seem worse than the status quo.”

22. She’s isolated.

“She succumbed to the “love bomb” stage while her support people saw the red flags and tried to warn her. So she burned bridges in the early days of the relationship thinking they just “don’t understand him” and it’s “us against the world.” So pride can get in the way of leaving. As well as feeling like the people she burned bridges with won’t forgive her.”

23. She stays because there are no divorces in her family. 

“She is embarrassed about what people would think if she gets divorced because absolutely no one in her family is divorced. She’s so embarrassed and against divorce that she even thinks she’d rather die than get divorced. She also believes she will never get over the hurt of divorce. (But surprisingly, when she leaves, she feels better, her life changes by simply not having that constant negative and abusive force around her.”)

24. She fears church backlash.

“Her Bible study friends are her lifeline, and last time she asked for help, the church took away her Bible study “responsibilities” to have more time to “work” on her marriage.”

25. She believes all that advice meant for normal marriages.

Like this one

26. It’s hard confessing what she’s been through.

It’s challenging to find help when you struggle to articulate what’s going on. Read More When You Need To Believed (Not Just Handed a Bible Verse)

27. She fears losing status in society.

“In conservative cultures, a woman will be seen as a failure. She will lose her respect in the society. Her morality will come under questioning. “

28. He’s convinced her she’s mistaken and doesn’t recall things correctly.

“He has convinced her she’s crazy and she doesn’t remember things correctly. The abuse was subtle and she was always convinced by his gaslighting that it didn’t happen that way.”

29. She wants to stick it out, for better or worse.

“She made a commitment to him for life and she’s a woman of her word.”

30. She stays because she feels responsible for keeping him safe.

“He’s threatened to hurt himself in the past if she leaves and she doesn’t want to be responsible for his self harm or suicide. He says he needs her support to get help and uses that to manipulate her to stay.”

31. She wants to protect her children.

“She thinks she can only protect her children emotionally and meet their physical needs best staying in the same house vs. split time/home.”  (Read why divorce is good for kids in abusive homes.)

32. The abuse has distorted her reality.

“His abuse and mistreatment made her doubt her reality and existence. He made her distrust her gut intuition.”

33. She doesn’t have a life outside his circle.

She’s dependent on him economically.

“She doesn’t have any friends that aren’t his friends. Her friends abandoned her when the spouse contacted them, made a pass at them or threatened them.”

34. She asks herself that question several times a day.

35. She thinks it’s better for the kids if she stays.

“She fears lifelong judgement from kids. Between staying and leaving, she questions what is worse for her children.” Read more Is it Always Best to “Stay for the Kids”? No, Not If the Home is Toxic

36. She’s regaled with stories of others who “made it work.”

She believes her marriage can work too. She feels guilty for “lacking faith” to make her marriage work.  Read More High-Conflict Couple Vs Abuse in Marriage

“Her parents had it rough. They told her people had given up on their marriage. But they made it work. She tried to follow her advice only to realize, decades later, that good endings are not guarantee.”

37. She’s older.

“She believes the number of years remaining is fewer than the years she’s been through it. Take a sixty eight year old woman who has been in it for forty eight years. She’s sure she’s more than half way through it already.”

38. She’s tried to leave.

On average, it takes a victim seven times to leave before staying away for good. Source.

39. She doesn’t feel like she deserves anything better.

40. She’s tried to leave, but he always finds her.

“Why Doesn’t She Just Leave Him?” A Better Way

By now, you might be wondering what to do. There’s no singular way to support someone in a destructive marriage. But one thing we must avoid is action or words that take away the victim’s voice, any conduct or speech that says, “Here’s what you need to do.” 

So, for example, instead of telling her, “hey, you’re being abused and you need to leave. How can I help you leave?” you might say, “What you’re going through is not normal of a healthy marriage. I want to support you in any way I can.” Or something along those lines. 

Unless someone says they want to leave, advice that hits like instruction is unhelpful, if not harmful. 

Indeed, if you’re close with that individual, maybe it’s a close friend or family member, you can have more nuanced conversations (while being careful to remain on your side of responsibility: no stripping of her agency.) You can also follow up with a resource that can help or which covers exit strategies. 

But anything that can be misconstrued as pressure or “I know what’s best for you” must be kept out of that conversation. When a woman is in a destructive relationship, one of the most important steps is empowerment to make decisions for herself.

Our friends, friends, and family need to know that we’re there for them, no matter their decision. It can be challenging, and if the abuser poses a physical danger, boundaries might be needed.

But just knowing you’re there for them and they’ll be helped when they need it, no matter their current decision, is affirming.

Here’s what some Facebook Commenters had to say about telling an abuse target to leave:

“I agree leaving abuse is never wrong absolutely but I believe we have to be careful. They most likely are in a place where they are questioning everything about how they think so we want to make sure we empower them and help build them up so they believe in who they are and not the lies they are being told in some form no matter how subtle. I love that you said you would help. Just want them to know you will help and love them whether they decide to stay or leave.”

“It is only helpful to say “This is abuse. Can I help you leave?” IF you can actually help her leave. That means a place to live, job help, temporary financial help. Can you offer her a place to stay? Are you willing to face off against her angry male partner who is going to show up demanding access to her? It is great to offer, but only if you are actually willing to fully follow through and that can take months.”

“Yes, we ask how we can help and let them know what resources are available to them. When they tell their stories, we believe them and affirm them, without minimizing. We ask them how they want to proceed. Every church/ministry should have a domestic abuse advocate on call and should have training in how to prevent, recognize, and respond to abuse.”