Are Men and Women More Different Than Alike in Relationships? Exploring Evangelical Teachings

Are men and women more different than alike in relationships?

Popular evangelical teachings often portray them as two distinct species. But what does the research say?

Sometimes back, one of my readers tagged me under a Facebook post discussing “love” and “submission.” I’ve written quite a bit on those two subjects on this blog.

In evangelical fundamentalist spaces, “what men need” and “what women want” is often a long, winding, and confusing road. It was no different on that thread.

In all fairness, I used to move in those spaces. And contrary to “the Bible is clear” confidence many of us oozed, I really didn’t get it. All I had was a robust bullying system for the parts of me that asked questions.

Hierarchy as “God’s Design”

I told myself that hierarchy was what God intended, and my lack of understanding was a non-issue. In fact, wanting to understand was more in the “sin” realm than anything else.

I’ve since grown and now know that if we can measure outcomes, it’s not a Divine mystery. God wants us to know stuff. He gave us a brain, emotions, and a body to do just that. Read: When You Need To Believed (Not Handed a Bible Verse)

But growth can be hard when church teachings blow up pieces of information that support their favored position while downplaying other info that suggests equal ground and unity for all.

It’s like taking a bit of truth and mixing it with a bunch of untruths: the small bit of truth makes the whole toxic shipload more easily acceptable. If there were only lies, then people would see right through it and not accept the cocktail. 

I know that growth can be challenging because the smoke and mirrors (whether the shiftiness was intended or not) make it so.

Frankly, one of the fastest ways to cement unhealthy harming thinking (like harming gender ideologies) is to convince everyone to focus on their differences..while minimizing their similarities.

Meanwhile, a peaceful, healthy, thriving existence asks us to consider the bigger picture because its the bigger picture that helps us understand the smaller details.

Are Men and Women More Different Than Alike in Relationships?

Today, I want to explore the differences and similarities between men and women and see how that holds up outside our church walls.

Evangelical books like Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, The Act of Marriage by  Beverly LaHaye and Tim LaHaye, Married Sex by Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta, Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoekker, Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian and many others have popularized a harming view of relationships. Examples:

• Men are natural born leaders (so ladies step aside and let the man lead.)
• Men need unconditional respect (and sex on demand, stripping of a woman’s agency, his word over hers, among other power-over dynamics, is how he feels respected.)¹
• Men speak less words than women (so women lower your expectations)²
• Women are more emotional than men (so he’s not the problem, you are.)
• Wives are not to be trusted with the truth about a husband’s pornography use and addictions because she’s overly emotional (so ladies don’t expect your husband to operate in truth and integrity because being a man, he’s meant to hide these things because you can’t handle it.) ³
• Women can change men’s behavior and the trajectory of their marriage through prayer. ⁴
• Wives are meant to soothe and heal men’s sex drives and sexual addictions (so wife be sexually available so he can win his addiction)⁵
• Men are aggressors, they are more visual and more easily sexually aroused (so it’s not his fault he scans and devours and objectifies women, it’s how God made him) ⁶
• Women should consider “sacrificial sex” and doing things they don’t like to “bless” their husbands and make him happy (And while at it try and look like you’re enjoying it.) ⁷
• And more

We must do better.

If you look at available research, while not arriving at the same conclusions as evangelical teachings, many studies highlight and focus on the differences between women and men.

But if you look further, you’ll also find a lot of research showing the differences are less profound than has been portrayed by conservative Christian teachings. You’ll find theories and reasons for the differences and why they certainly don’t make one gender superior to the other.

Let’s look at some of that research. (I found more research, including cited sources, while writing this article. So there’s more, but I’ll limit it to what I already looked at because it all seems to tie up/agree. Also note that in this post, I am comparing conservative Christian teachings with available research. If you are more interested in what Christ taught and modeled vs. what we are taught, I have other posts, and you can start here.)

Are Men and Women Really That Different? The Research

Brain size differences:

One huge study examined three decades of research and studies and found that there was hardly any difference between male and female brains. The slight difference observed was due to brain size, not sex or gender.

“This means that the brain differences between large- and small-headed men are as great as the brain differences between the average man and woman. And importantly, none of these size-related differences can account for familiar behavioral differences between men and women, such as empathy or spatial skills….The truth is that there are no universal, species-wide brain  features that differ between the sexes. Rather, the brain is like other  organs, such as the heart and kidneys, which are similar enough to be  transplanted between women and men quite successfully.” ~ Science Daily, Massive Study Reveals Few Differences Between Men’s and Women’s Brains , (Ref: this study)

One of the many differences evangelicals and fundamentalists emphasize is male brain size: reaching conclusions such as men’s bigger brains make them superior, naturally more intelligent, and able to lead.

However, this meta-synthesis indicates that the brain differences between men with large and small heads are as significant as the brain differences between the average man and woman. Women’s brains are smaller (by about 11%) but it’s in proportion to their body size.

Men are not more naturally suited for “leadership” simply due to brain size. And a bigger brain does not automatically mean higher intelligence.

Personality, cognition, and leadership differences:  

An older study that analyzed forty-six previous studies concluded that one’s sex has little or no bearing on personality, cognition, and leadership. Men and women are alike in terms of personality, cognitive ability, and leadership. (Source)

The same study also pointed out the problems arising from exaggerating gender differences.

“The resulting “urban legends” of gender difference can affect men and women at work and at home, as parents and as partners. As an example, workplace studies show that women who go against the caring, nurturing feminine stereotype may pay dearly for it when being hired or evaluated. And when it comes to personal relationships, best-selling books and popular magazines often claim that women and men don’t get along because they communicate too differently.” ~ Source, America Psychological Association The Truth about Gender “Differences”

This study also highlighted why other studies might have found differences between genders: it seemed to depend on the context in which they were measured.

The analysis also “presented evidence that gender differences fluctuate with age, growing smaller or larger at different times in the life span. This fluctuation indicates again that any differences are not stable.”

When men and women think and behave differently:

One study, which concluded that men and women think and act differently, offered a number of possible reasons for these differences.

Some of the reasons were norms and expectations of acceptable gendered behavior and men’s extreme behaviors being socially constructed and reinforced.

“This alternative theory suggests that the socially constructed  patriarchy in many societies has managed to constrain women and the  opportunity for them to display the same level of variability as men.” ~ Source, Revealed: men and women do think and act differently   (Ref: this study)

Are Men and Women More Different Than Alike in Relationships?Do Men and Women Want the Same Things?

Men and women want the same things. Contrary to popular evangelical beliefs and posturings, we are actually the same species.

Think about it. Both men and women need air, food, water, and shelter to survive. We need clothing, sleep, love, safety, belonging connection. In relationships, we want to feel honored and respected. We want our views, needs, limitations, and personhood to matter.

But then we have a culture in Christianity bound to hierarchy, and thus determined to make everyone believe that men and women are very different and, therefore, have different “needs” and “roles.”

Evangelicalism starts with the belief that men and women are different by Divine design. From there, it’s just a matter of finding ideas to back up these beliefs and claims. (And where nothing exists, there’s always the trusty “we don’t know, but God does, and we must trust He knows what He’s doing.”)

Are Men and Women Really Different?  The Good Men

Popular evangelical books have normalized a tower in which men and boys are at the top, and girls and women are to comply and accommodate that ranking position.⁸

Sadly, many climbing this tower do not recognize(or accept) that there’s a term for that type of dynamic, and it’s not  “godly order.” It’s a system for abuse.

When we give power to one person/gender, and the individual feels entitled to use that power to coerce and control, that’s abuse. Read More: Dear Complementarian Husband, A Marriage Operating Through a System of Power and Control is Abusive

However, many good men won’t even think about using power and privilege in a way that harms others. Good guys actually use their power and privilege to lift others and create safety.

But lets be honest here. Just because some men don’t act on the power given to them does not mean the system we’ve set up is healthy. We can’t just hand over power to people and hope they won’t misuse it.

As I’ve written elsewhere on this blog, many couples who follow the “husband is the leader and wife submits” concept and who consider themselves happy are not practicing what they say they are practicing.

They’ll be talking about how he loves and leads, and she submits, but if you look at their actual dynamic up close, they both love and submit to each other (aka what Paul wrote in Ephesians 5:21)

There’s research to show where male and female “differences” are coded and carried out into a relationship, the outcomes are not good. “When the husband makes the final decisions (even if he consults with her first) the divorce rate increases 7.4 times. Marital satisfaction plummets…” ~ Sheila Wray Gregoire.

A Gottman study found the same thing. “When men don’t accept their partner’s influence, there is an 81% chance that a marriage will self-implode.” ⁹

Are Men and Women More Different Than Alike in Relationships? Nature, Nurture, and Completely Made-Up

I’m not saying there are zero “differences” between male and female.

I’m observing that we are more alike than different, that “differences” don’t always transfer across cultures and time, and that there are often reasons for the differences. The reasons include nature, nurture, and unfortunately, also imaginary factors.

Let’s explore these:

The made-up, imaginary differences:

An example of made-up “facts” is the popular teaching in the evangelical fundamentalism space that men speak fewer words than women, and so when a husband doesn’t want to talk, it’s because he’s out-talked for the day.

So, the best thing a wife can do is measure her words and lower her expectations of how much verbal connection she can expect from her husband.

Multiple studies looked into these, and they all concluded that both men and women speak, on average, the same number of words per day, but in group settings, men talk more than women. So, in some instances, men actually talk more than women! (For more, see Footnote 2 below.)

The real differences (nature and nurture)

Other differences between men and women are not made up. Research by The Gottman Institute shows on average, men are more prone to stonewalling during arguments.

Healthy individuals will respond to the research by saying, “Great! Now men know what to look out for/work on.”

Healthy people will not say, “There you go, ladies! When a husband resists healthy influence during conflict (on average, women are more open to sharing and working together), that’s your cue to back off and show understanding for his “male-brain!”

Common sense says that’s bananas. Because a healthy approach to addressing conflict and repairing fractures acknowledges that you can’t have connection and depth where one person stonewalls and the other wants to collaborate.

A healthy relational system will expect husbands to mature emotionally, and affirm women’s expectations of the same. Men can grow their emotional intelligence, even if that’s not how they are raised. (And, of course, we need to change how we raise kids!)

Other noticeable differences:

Other noticeable differences between men and women include reproductive systems (men can’t get pregnant and birth a child), men, on average, having more muscle mass than women, and women tending to have lower calorie requirements than men.

Let’s talk about what these differences do not signify:

One person having more calorie requirements does not mean they are entitled to all the food in the home, and everyone must accommodate that. Differences do not mean we make massive accommodations that negatively impact others and feed selfishness.

Some of these differences have a reason for existing. For example, on average, men have higher daily calorie requirements because they have higher muscle mass, stature, and basal metabolic rate. Women in their menstruating years typically need more iron than men because they lose blood during menstruation. Source.

Unfortunately, in evangelical fundamentalist teachings, differences are often used to create massive entitlements for men and backbreaking expectations of compliance from women.

Instead of everyone moving in a way that is healthy and maturing, we make entitlements for one gender and ask everyone else to pay the price. Girls and women end up paying for men’s lack of awareness and maturity.

But balance looks like: whatever differences exist, and they are not as major as we’ve been told, we’re supposed to work together.

Are Men and Women More Different Than Alike in Relationships? We Must Do Better

I’m finishing up the revisions of my two marriage books, which I pulled down two years ago. I’ve been looking at a lot of research and comparing it to what we are taught as Christians and indeed, our baselines and reality do not match..

I’m excited to about these republished projects and can’t wait to share with you!

We need to change what we believe because our beliefs and perceptions affect everything else. But to change harmful beliefs, we must be open to other points of view and experiences, and we need to be open and honest about what’s going on inside of us.

To the question “Are men and women more different than alike in relationships?”, the answer is, “Men and women are not two different species. And accepting that we’re more alike than different is one of the key ways to make relationships safer and healthy for all.”

“even where there are patterns of cognitive differences between males and females, “differences are not deficiencies.” (And) we cannot conclude that they are immutable because the continuous interplay of biological and environmental influences can change the size and direction of the effects some time in the future.” Source

When You’re Tired of Bad Marriage Advice

“I love this book. It has been redemptive and healing in ways that are hard to explain. In this book, I have found a bearing witness to the raw, unbearable pain that has been experienced because of the toxicity of patriarchy – that is finely woven together with threads of liberation  and love that erase shame and bring hope.” ~ Facebook Review. Read Courage.

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