Why Women Are Not To Blame For Men’s Sexual Sin
Wives are not responsible for mens‘ sexual sin in marriage.
I recently heard a pastor talk about how he and his wife addressed a huge crisis in their marriage.
The gist: Prolonged emotional disconnection had led to prolonged sexual disconnection. Sexual disconnection “led” to his sexual infidelity.
Rather than help people, here’s what this speaker did.
- He outed himself as an unsafe man.
- He devastated the women in the audience ravaged by betrayal trauma.
- He pretty much told the men “if your wife is not giving any, you can look for it elsewhere because men need sex and if they can’t get it from their wives they’ll find it elsewhere and that’s just the way God created them.” “Women, it doesn’t matter if your husband has abandoned you emotionally/you’re feeling emotionally disconnected; you give up the goods. If you don’t, you’re a terrible woman who is driving her poor husband into the arms of another woman.”
Men’s sexual Sin in Marriage: What Women Need to Know
And I just think women need to say “no” to men putting their sin on them.
Let’s say “no” to pastors and preachers pressuring us to fix problems that have nothing to do with us. Let’s normalize walking out of rooms and spaces that traumatize/retraumatize us.
Now, if the takeaways from this pastor’s illustration were
.how he took responsibility for his sin of infidelity
.how he alone was responsible for breaking his marriage vow
.the steps he took to address his misogyny, entitlement, and wounds
.how he created safety for his wife and earned back her trust,
.how they eventually were able to address the issues that led to the emotional disconnection
Then perhaps it would have been a sermon worth listening to.
(It was a very problematic sermon, overall, but that portion could have been salvageable.)
Emotional Disconnection in Marriage
The thing is, emotional disconnection in marriage is a symptom of something else going on. It is not the actual problem.
Therefore, spouses need to be taught how to diagnose issues, not encouraged to bypass symptoms and “engage” dummy “solutions.”
No one should feel pressured to have sex with someone they are not feeling connected to. Healthy sex is about intimacy and connection, not about “male sexual release” or the coming together of the male and female genitalia.
When the emotional connection is missing in a marriage, sex should automatically be off the table as a couple seeks to address the root cause of the disconnection.
Sex devoid of emotional connection is traumatizing. Horrendous and traumatizing. Expecting or pressurizing a woman to be sexually available to a husband when she is not feeling it, is cruel. It is sex without consent. It is encouraging marital rape.
My heart is grieving today.
To the women who are tired of bad theology and harmful marriage advice:
I wrote Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul for women who are tired of damaging theology, popular but harming “church” culture, and bad marriage teachings. Because far too often, “marriage issues” are actually a misuse of power. The above-the-surface issues are just the tip of an iceberg, and underneath is a giant block of hardcore irresponsibility and harm. ORDER COURAGE ON AMAZON OR PDF.
Addressing men’s sexual sin: resources to Help
For the men who’ve been counseled incorrectly, who’ve been taught that they are owed sex, and they can’t do without sex, but they want to explore and do better, you’re not alone. Check out the following resources:
2. Keith and Sheila Gregoire’s The Good Guys Guide to Great Sex book.
3. Sarah McDugal: Read her Systems of Love & Honor: A Guide to Recognizing Safe Relationships, which outlines 13 behavior patterns that make relationships safe.
God is safe and loving. God does not coercively control or devastate. God is not mean. God is not a user. God is safe. Our marriages should reflect Him.
Deep truth
The Bible seems to be clear on laying the responsibility for sinning on the person committing the sin. Each person has to account to God for their own actions. “But each person is tempted when he is drawn away and enticed by his own evil desires.” James 1:14 “Therefore, whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to be pleasing to Him. For we must all appear before the tribunal of Christ, so that each may be repaid for what he has done in the body, whether good or worthless.” 2 Corinthians 5:9-10
100 percent. I don’t know why we miss that.
Hi Ngina,
Thanks for a well-written blog re men and sexual sin. Sadly, most readers of this will be women; plenty of men ought to read it.
I’ve been married to the same loving, godly woman for 59 years. We were virgins when we married, and neither of us has ever stepped outside that circle we call our “one flesh” relationship. I’m the author of THE GIFT OF GRANDPARENTING [foreword by Gary Chapman] (Focus on the Family/Tyndale, 2000) and coauthor (with Carole Gift Page) of Audacious Women of the Bible and the Men Who Loved Them (still unpublished). Currently I’m working on a small book on The Song of Solomon.
Probably King David blamed Michal for his adultery with Bathsheba, since it followed Michal’s tirade at him for dancing with the girls in the streets of Jerusalem. Yet the Bible is clear that each of is responsible for his/her own sins. On the other hand, Paul wrote in I Corinthians 7 that couples need to help each other to avoid sin by having sexual relations regularly.
Then there’s the matter of the young woman who seems to tease men by the way she dresses. I don’t find this a problem, but occasionally I do see a girl in shorts that seem to invite stares; or the pretty young thing of maybe 19 or 20 wearing a see-through white dress with no underwear (I never thought THAT outfit would ever appear in public). My thought was, It’s not my problem, since I’m not her daddy. Again, I simply focused on something else, and walked away (it was at a Coast Guard festival, which drew thousands of tourists).
I do cringe, however, when I hear men say a girl “caused” them to lust. She didn’t. Jesus plainly taught that lust is a sin of one’s own heart, which we direct at an object (or person) which may catch our eye–or nose, if we’re tempted by a steak cooking on a neighbor’s grill in the back yard.
Eric,
I’m troubled by your use of words when you say, “the pretty young thing of maybe 19 or 20.” You may have meant no harm, but I am just sharing that such terminology – calling a young lady a thing – exacerbates the issue of women being objectified and thought of as a product, something to be had instead of a human being.
Just wanted to share in case you were unaware of how that might come across to others – both men and women.
Oops—you misspelled RAPE when describing David’s sin with Bathsheba. There is no way she could have said “no” even IF he had made a request, therefore King David did not have her consent for sex. The Bible is very clear about this. Non-consensual sex is called RAPE, not ADULTERY. Hope you can see the difference.