What Is Permissible in The Christian Marriage Bed?

What is permissible in the Christian marriage bed? Can Christian and spicy sex go together?

Before marriage, I had grand ideas about sex in marriage – how it would be great and flawless, breathtaking and wonderful all by itself.

And how my husband would bring all the fireworks, without much help or input from me.

But in marriage, I would learn that a thriving sex life requires intentional effort from both spouses; stretching, learning, growing is part of a growing marriage.

Marriage is for life and you are in it for a long loong time.

If you don’t like the idea of perishing from boredom, you must open up to the idea that finding new oceans is good for your Christian marriage bed. And such exploration will require leaving comfortable shores.

Unpacking the wagon

For many wives and when we find a sweet spot in the bedroom, like maybe a good sex position, we park there.

I mean, we unload the whole wagon, drive down the stakes, fire up the barbecue, kick back and relax.

When hubby comes along and suggests it’s time to find a more exciting campsite, we look at him like he just stepped off a bus.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting more of what already works. After all, it takes a while for most wives to figure out what works and when we find it it, hanging about makes some sense.

However, even the most exquisite meal, if served 10,000 times over – same way, same time, same place, same everything – will grow stale.

So let’s look at a scenario where hubby desires more variety in your marriage bed and as a wife and for a variety of reasons, you don’t really want to budge.

If your husband wants to try something new and you find yourself thinking wondering what is permissible in the Christian marriage bed? or you thinking  “I am happy where we are” or “I am not sure”  “Can a Christian do THAT!?”  – try and think on these questions.

Before we dive in, please note: A wife does not owe her husband sex. If a husband just wants his wife sexually, that is highly problematic and she should not feel obligated to meet such a demand. This post assumes a high level of good will from both spouses. It is for couples and women who are curious about the “sex and holy limits”. For couples without underlying issues like abuse, addictions, abuse and chronic neglect. If these are your current circumstances in marriage, please check out this page for resources that might help.This post is not for couples undergoing life changes like pregnancy and postpartum, stress, low libido etc.

What is permissible in the Christian marriage bed? 3 thoughts for healthy couples.

1. Does it honor God?

“So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31

Regarding food offered to idols, Paul breaks it down to “whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God”

In other words, God first.

Not every everything is permissible for the married Christian couple. So it’s great that you are asking “Is this honoring to the One who created sex?” “Are we allowing unhealthy things into our Christian marriage bed?”

While the Bible will not give you a list of what to do in your bedroom, it does provide guidelines for proper Christian living, like Romans 12:2  which says “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Or 1 Corinthians 6:19, 20 which says,  “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”

You might not find a list of “acceptable sexual practices for the Christian marriage bed”* (see note below) but the Bible has much to say about how we are to conduct ourselves as God’s children.

Let the word of God illuminate your marriage, including your bedroom.

How sweet your words taste to me; they are sweeter than honey. Your commandments give me understanding; no wonder I hate every false way of life.  Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path Psalm 119:103-105

2. Are you holding back in your marriage bed?

I was a virgin when I got married.

I did not know the workings of a male mind or even my own body. And that’s okay as we are meant to explore and learn sex within marriage!

After marriage I discovered that my husband and I were wired differently and for us to experience greater intimacy, we had to embrace greater learning and become students of one another.

Again, it’s not easy to transition from a place of no sex, to sex every night if you want (for the chaste/virgin bride). Or “I think that’s wrong” to “okay, let’s do it, woohoo that’s amazing!” for the older bride.

It’s hard to leave your comfort zone and embrace something new.

But sometimes the reason we struggle to leave these old places is because we think the new place has to be perfect right off the gate.  And when it isn’t (and it rarely is), we bash ourselves and withdraw the permission to try again.

When you are wondering what is permissible in the Christian marriage bed or how far is too far, understand that you don’t have to see yourself hanging off the roof in excitement before you try something new. Decide to take it one step at a time.

A willingness to give it a try, without a lot of expectations, can make the difference between living in humdrum land and adding a little spice to your bedroom.

Book recommendation: The Great Sex Rescue, by Sheila Gregoire.

 3. When wondering what is permissible in the Christian marriage bed, ask: Does it honor you/your spouse? Does it promote connection?

The Bible has plenty of instructions on how to order our lives as followers of Jesus. 

“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:10

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3, 4

“Let no one then seek his own good and advantage and profit, but [rather] each one of the other [let him seek the welfare of his neighbor].” 1 Corinthians 10;24 “

Unfortunately, many spouses are reading from different script and expecting a godly outcome.  Taking from the culture and filling their minds with worldliness and an unhealthy view of sex. Some spouses are addicted to pornography and they expect their mates to be sexually available.

It’s important to  understand that being married does not mean anything goes in your bedroom.

You are a Christian, before you are spouse. You both belong to Jesus.

Any sexual act which degrades, dehumanizes, disrespects one or both of you, should not have a place in your marriage.

Anything that seeks to replace your husband-wife connection, which makes you more reliant on it rather than your spouse for sexual satisfaction should not be encouraged.

If your husband is asking you to sin, (for example, watch porn together as a form of foreplay), if he’s disrespecting your “no” and pressuring you to engage in sexual acts that make you uncomfortable, that’s highly problematic. Please see this page for resources that might help.

Sex is not all about your husband. The most fulfilling sex is the pleasure and fulfillment of both spouses is prioritized.

Martyr-ship, the idea that “it’s all for him, let me lie here and endure it” kills it.  With that in mind, you can talk about things which make you less enthusiastic about sex, or anything that makes you overly uncomfortable.

Remember that God did not create sex for your husband to enjoy alone. He created it for both of you.

This post is not about shutting down and offering your body as a sacrifice. It’s about taking your marriage and sex life to the next level together.

You can’t create a happily ever after all by yourself. You need one another. And that means being willing to engage and discuss and confront things.

What is permissible in the Christian marriage bed? Encouraging connection in the marriage bed

I cannot over emphasize the need for frank, open and continued communication. I think that as long as we can talk about it, we can work through most situations in marriage.

Sometimes for wives, the problem is having all these conversations going on in our heads and not inviting our healthy husbands in.

So go ahead and invite that conversation. If you’re in a healthy marriage and you feel safe, it’s okay to explore together. On the other hand, weigh everything against what God says and how we are to treat each other.

I hope these three questions get you thinking when it comes to exploring new frontiers with your husband. What do you think? What other questions could couples ask themselves?

*I understand you might be the one suggesting more variety and spice in your bedroom. If that’s your situation, please check out this post – When your husband has lower libido.

Further reading

Of oral sex and inhibitions

~